The Unspoken Burden: Why Guilt Is the Hardest Part of Caring for Ageing Parents
"I do everything possible for my parents and children, but it never feels like enough."
A Daughter’s Duty, Unspoken Yet Absolute
Cindy Mai, 49, from Melbourne, is the primary carer for her mother, who lives with her, and also provides support to her father. As the eldest daughter in a Vietnamese family, she states that caring for her parents was an unspoken expectation.
She works full-time at Care Connect, a not-for-profit in-home care provider, where she observes similar experiences among other culturally diverse Australians.
The Weight of Guilt
Mai describes guilt as the most challenging aspect of her role. She reports doing everything possible for her parents and children but feeling it is insufficient.
This feeling is not unique to Mai. Annabel Reid, CEO of Carers Australia, states that guilt is common among carers who wish they could do more for aging parents.
Background
- Mai has a younger sister and brother.
- Her family arrived in Australia in 1983.
- Her father has no siblings; her mother has 11 siblings, none of whom live in Australia.
- Mai states that no specific discussions about caring for her parents occurred; it felt natural.
Impact on Life Decisions
Mai notes that care responsibilities influenced her decision to remain in Melbourne after marriage and when choosing schools for her children, prioritizing proximity to her parents.
She describes being part of the "sandwich generation," juggling care for parents and children alongside work, with self-care often coming last.
"No one told me I would have to choose between being a good mother, a good daughter, and a good employee."
Daily Routine
Mai's daily schedule starts before dawn to complete work before her family wakes. She uses a spreadsheet to manage school holiday schedules.
Her parents currently have good health, but she anticipates increased needs as they age, preparing for a future where her caregiving role will only intensify.
Key Takeaway
For many carers like Mai, the expectation to care is deep-rooted and culturally ingrained. The challenge is not the act of caring itself, but the constant feeling that no amount of sacrifice is ever quite enough.