The Complex Decision to End a Long-Term Relationship
Ending a long-term relationship involves a combination of psychological, biological, and practical factors. Experts outline common barriers to separation and offer recommendations for individuals facing these decisions, particularly when children are involved.
Psychological and Biological Barriers
Sunk Cost Fallacy
Some individuals continue relationships due to the time, energy, or financial resources already invested, despite present dissatisfaction. Psychologist Carly Dober suggests individuals consider what the relationship currently provides and notes that not all relationships are intended to last. Consultant psychologist Sian Khuman advises focusing on learning and growth gained from the relationship.
"Not all relationships are intended to last." — Carly Dober
Couple Identity (Identity Fusion)
Partners in long-term relationships may develop a shared identity, where each person considers the other part of their self-concept. Leaving a relationship can involve the loss of shared futures, mutual friends, and established routines. According to Dober, the fear of losing these elements can deter individuals from leaving.
Adult Attachment
Long-term relationships can form adult attachments driven by brain mechanisms seeking safety and security. Breaking such attachments can trigger fear of pain and aloneness. Khuman states that the brain will adjust following a period of desensitization.
Anticipated Grief
The anticipated pain of a breakup may, in some cases, exceed the actual pain experienced. Dober observes that known circumstances often feel safer than unknown ones. Khuman recommends strategies such as journaling, seeking support, and reflecting on past coping experiences.
Practical Considerations for Couples with Children
Common Reasons for Staying Together
Family lawyer Gabriella Pomare observes that responsibilities such as young children, mortgages, school routines, shared friendships, and financial dependence can make separation appear overwhelming. Psychologist Carly Dober notes that financial considerations, caring responsibilities, and fear of beginning anew, including anxiety about dating, can influence decisions to remain together. Pomare adds that some relationships involve quiet disconnection, co-existence, and a lack of intimacy or joy, rather than explosive conflict.
Perceptions and Impact on Children
Some parents hold cultural beliefs that a "broken home" is more harmful to children than an unhappy marriage, associating separation with trauma, instability, and financial stress. However, research indicates that children can detect emotional undercurrents such as distance, resentment, and withdrawal, even when parents believe these are concealed.
Studies suggest that children's mental health may be negatively affected by exposure to conflict and parental mental health issues, rather than by separation itself.
Australian research from 2020 found that most parents reported their children "fared well" post-separation, with favorable outcomes in health, learning, peer relationships, and development. Households with chronic tension or unresolved conflict may normalize unhealthy dynamics for children.
When Staying Together May Be Effective
Experts indicate that staying together can potentially work if both partners are aligned on the arrangement and function as a strong parenting team. Dober states that if the situation involves low conflict, met needs, and functionality, it may be acceptable. Pomare emphasizes that for success, the relationship should be respectful, emotionally safe, cooperative, and genuinely stable, even without romance. It is recommended that children be shielded from difficult conversations but provided age-appropriate information about evolving family dynamics. Parents can explain that while they are no longer a couple, they remain a family and will always love their children.
Recommendations for Decision-Making
- Consider what the relationship currently provides.
- Recognize that decisions can change and not all relationships are permanent.
- Acknowledge that fear of loss is a natural but temporary response.
- Reflect on past breakups to assess personal coping ability.
Experts suggest that children may benefit more from emotionally well, grounded, and available parents than from parents who remain in an unhappy state. The decision is not necessarily a choice between children and parental happiness, as the two are often interconnected. Seeking advice from friends, family, and mental health professionals such as psychologists or counselors is recommended for support during this process.
Support Resources
- Lifeline: 13 11 14
- Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
- Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636
- Headspace: 1800 650 890
- QLife: 1800 184 527